While I was away in London UPS attempted to deliver my package, unfortunately I was not here to sign for it so they sent it back to their office on Atlantic Ave. For those who don’t know, Atlantic Avenue is on the other side of Raleigh from my little shack in Morrisville. I decide to go at 11am to avoid any traffic.

Boy was I wrong.

I pull out of my neighborhood onto ALWAYS crowded Morrisville-Carpenter Rd. about 5 cars behind a flat bed truck. Oh yeah, this truck happens to be going up in FLAMES! Conveniently right across the street from a fire department, literally 40 feet away. There are firemen outside looking at the truck and they direct him to pull in. He does and one of the firemen gets out a hose, a GARDEN HOSE! I remember I had left my camera in my back seat so when I could get a view I snapped a picture . There really was a firemen with a garden hose putting out this fire. At this point I begin to wonder what planet I am on, but it gets wierder.

Morrisville is only about 10 miles in diameter and there are fire stations on each end. For some reason a fire truck came from the station on the other end of Morrisville about 4 miles away. I started to wonder if they were just coming to watch this truck go up in flames, pyro-maniacs style. Burn Baby Burn!

The light turns green and the traffic finally moves. On I go, 20 minutes later. 11:20am

I’m driving around looking for this UPS building that I’m expecting to have a bunch of trucks around it and such since it is their main shipping point, turns out it is just a UPS Store across the street. 11:45am

Hand my paper to the nice UPS lady and she goes in the back room.

Brown reappears 8 minutes later. “I’m sorry sir I can’t find it, we must have sent it back.”

Befuddled. I ask her if all packages delivered while someone is on vacation get sent back. “Yep.”

12:02pm I leave. Not really worried b/c it is just a jacket that REI wouldn’t exchange, I’m assuming they will attempt to send it back to me again.

Being the nice husband that I am, I call Jen and ask her if she wants me to pick her something up for lunch while I am out. I end of at Chic-Fil-A .

Walking across the parking lot I notice this couple in an embrace. For some reason it looked strange. Strange like they were having a wild affair and were throwing caution to the wind and letting all of Chic-Fil-A drive thru know how they felt.

Thanks to speedy service, I have my wife’s chicken sammich and fries in hand in less then 4 minutes. I walk out side and see the same cheating couple.

They had changed positions though. They went from 90 degrees and standing upright to about 65 degrees leaning against a car trunk in full fledge make-out session like 2 middle schoolers at movies. Now anyone who has been to chic-fil-a at lunch time know the drive thru line is the equivalent of a Wal-Mart at Christmas time. A complete zoo and it’s best to be avoided at all costs.

These 30-something year old middle schoolers were committing the worst crime of all. Taking up a Chic-Fil-A parking space. I inevitably had to walk by these people and just laughed. Apparently not everyone thought it was funny. I happened to pass by a lady waiting for the parking space, who must have been mighty hungry b/c as I walked by she rolled down her window and asked me loud enough for me to know it was directed at the middle-schoolers:

“Isn’t that F&*&%^n disgusting?”

This only seemed to encourage them.

I laughed and kept walking. I get to my car to see that this old minivan had parked a little to close to me and the passenger in this van, a black lady I mistakenly took for King Kong Bundy had her Shaq size crusty-curly-nailed feet out of her window about 8 inches from leaving her paw prints on my driver side glass.

After vomitting in my mouth a little bit, I contemplated entering the passenger side of my car just to avoid Shaq-ette’s feet. Something in the backseat got her attention and she moved just briefly enough for me to hold my breath, dive in and get the hell out of there.

They were still making out as I left.

This is why I remain home in my purple monster slippers and avoid contact with the public. You people are wierd