Sid : “Remember what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.”

Stu: “Am I missing a tooth?”

Phil: “Whose baby is that?”
Alan: “Check its collar or something.”

Stu: “We’re not going to leave a baby in the room. There’s a fucking tiger in the bathroom.”

Stu: “She is wearing my grandmother’s Holocaust ring.”
Alan: “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

Tracy: “We’re getting married in five hours.”
Phil: “Yeah … that’s not gonna happen.”

Stu: “Why can’t we remember a godd*** thing from last night?”
Phil: “Because we obviously had a great f***ing time.”

Stu: “Everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.”
Alan: “I think he’s mean.”

Dr. Valsh: “It’s on the corner of ‘get a map’ and ‘fuck off.’”

Alan: “Next week’s no good for me. The Jonas Brothers are in town.”

Alan: “Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.”

Alan: Rainman took over a casino and he was a ra Tard

Doctor: Rufees. Commonly known as the date rape drug.
Alan: What…what are you saying I was ..raped last night?
Doctor: Actually, …I don’t think so.

Alan: “counting cards isn’t illegal, it’s just frowned upon.. like masturbating on an airplane” Ever since 9/11 they’ve been so skeptical. Thanks alot bin laden

Doug is probably dead, face down in a ditch and getting butt f***ed by a meth addict

Male Officer to Alan: “Not you, fat Jesus.”

Allen: I’m sure you get this a lot, but is this really Ceasar’s Palace?
Hotel Clerk: What do you mean?
Allen: Did Ceasar really live here?
Hotel Clerk: No
Allen: Didn’t think so

Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot

Mr. Chow: tootaloo motha f***asssss

Alan: I shouldn’t be here. I’m not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school. Or a Chuckie Cheese.

Alan: How’s my hair? Does it look like phils?

Alan: “we should call them rapies”

Just a pack of wolves roaming in the desert looking for strippers and cocaine.

Phil: Put on some pants. I find it weird that I have to ask you twice.

Phil: What’s the baby’s name?
Alan:Carlos
Phil:I thought he looked like a Carlos too

Alan: Carlos, not at the Table!

After the chinese guy jumps out of the trunk, attacks them and runs away..
Stu: “Who was that?!”
Phil: “Why was he so MEAN?!!”

stu: but he didn’t cum in her. she hates semen.

Alan: Does this place have good beeper reception?

Allen: “I don’t think I could handle losing someone close again…It was so hard on me losing my grandfather”
Phil: “oh really? when did he die?”
Allen: “World War II

Alan: Are you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Stu’s Wife: I just wish your friends were a mature as you.
Stu: They are, they just don’t understand some things.
Phil: Dr. Faggot, paging Dr. Faggot.
Stu’s Wife: I think you should go now, Dr. Faggot.

Stu: You can’t leave a baby in the car, it’s too hot.
Phil: It’ll be okay, I cracked a window

Doug: She told me that we probably shouldn’t let him gamble or drink too much. (in reference to alan)
Phil: What is he a f***ing gremlin? Does he come with instructions?

Asian bodyguard to Phil: “You kept calling him you’re lucky charm” (talking about Mr. Chow)

Alan: Hey watch it pervert!
Doug: Alan calm down hes just trying to fit you.
Alan: He got really close to my shaft.

alan: i would love to be able to breastfeed.

Phil: he is not a real doctor, if someone has a heart attack you should still call 9-1-1