This is my audition to be included on Parental Writes. So today my friend next door asked me to watch her 18 month old while she went to the doctor because she didn’t want to bring the new born and Garrett (18 mo old). I obliged in order to help her out, he is usually pretty easy to entertain. She informed me he liked to watch some cartoons and she’d be back in no more than 2 hours. But as she slid out the door, she slipped in “if he needs a diaper change there is 1 on the table over there.” A blank stare came across my face as she closed the door, I’ve never changed a diaper before. Please don’t poop boy!

I sit there, and he stands, while we watch The Doodlebops on Disney Network. Now I’m not sure what kind of cracked out hippie thought of this show, but the whole time I was watching these people dressed up as Doodle-thingies, I kept thinking how sad with their life they must be. I assume they were some out of work wannabe Hollywood actors who are painting their face and singing silly songs to pay the rent and support their meth habbit.

Well as soon as she left, Garrett started balling. He missed his mommy only until the Doodlebops came on. A half hour of doodle bops and a half hours of Go Baby and he was bored. He tried climbing on everything and seeing how many things he could put into his daddy’s surround sound subwoofer and then he started bouncing on his butt and scooting on the floor. I’ve seen my dog do this b/c her butt itched so I assumed he was doing the same thing. He stopped climbed on the upside down chair some more and then started screaming. it was 11:20, first thing i thought of was he pooped himself so I picked him up and he didn’t smell too bad so I swung him around as he likes but that didnt work. Out of ideas I quickly IM’d his dad and asked what was up. His response was “he’s just a crackhead , or maybe he pee’d himself.” Great! I took about 60 seconds to decide if I could wait 10 minutes till his mom would be home or attempt to change my first ever diaper.

He looked and sounded really unhappy so I couldn’t leave him there. I put him on the table and began figuring out how to change his diaper but when I got it off he had a surprise for me. Apparently all his scooting around on the carpet was an evil plan to rub poop all the way up his back, I guess he thought that would be fun. I would like to note that I did smell the kid before hand and had no idea he had crapped a pile the size an elephant would be proud of in his diaper. Those pampers really do hold in the funk! The changing process was a chore and about 30 seconds after I got done and and he was banging on his bucket with a comb again, his mom walked in. My first diaper changing experience, the perfect male birth control!

Here are my Two Tips:

Lots of Drugs - Between watching The Doodlebops, Go Baby, and the Little Einsteins I have come to one conclusion: being a parent requires lots of drugs. Meth, LSD, Dope, whatever is your drug of choice, you will need it to be a parent and watch some of the shows these kids are brainwashed with.

No Toys Parents should stop buying toys for kids. They don’t care. Give the little doodlebop comb and a bucket and they’ll be happy as clams. Throw in an upside down chair that they can use as a slide and you have a complete entertainment set for kids for under $20. Go use the money you saved on drugs.